Wife Swap: Figaratto/Martinez

Thank god for the travesty that is Lifetime.

I was worried at first that they wouldn't give me any material for today. The first Wife Swap on today's lineup was an episode where one family believed they were living in medieval times, and the other believed that "all children should have to go to public school." It was worrisome because although that's clearly meeting their insanity quotient for the day, it's really not trainwrecky enough to make for a full post.

But I should have had faith.

Meet the Figaratto and Martinez families.
The Figaratto's are obsessed with karaoke. No really. I know lots of people who enjoy karaoke, and I loved having roommates who owned Rock Band and singing with them several nights a week. But I did other stuff. And it certainly never got to the point of "Well dinner's over- it's time for karaoke. Again!" And additionally, when we did the same songs over and over, it was because we had to in order to reach the next level- and it was really freaking annoying. But they didn't have that restraint; they had tons of CDs and had already spent thousands of dollars on equipment. These people were singing "La Bamba" and "Bye Bye Love" on loop and they had been for over a decade. And they were doing it completely voluntarily.

And by comparison, they were the sane ones.
That's right.

I'll start with the best part. I'm pretty sure that at one point Papa Martinez claimed that his kid spending time with Step-Mama's prized cockatoo is the same as having quality time with his parents.
/wtf

Not only was Mama Martinez a total wet blanket when it came to karaoke, but she was a freaking basket case when it came to her bird. And worst of all, she married a man with a kid, but clearly believed that since she was still so young, that his kid wasn't any of her responsibility.
Her responsibilities are limited to:
a) practicing her kickboxing at the dojo the family owns
b) romancing her husband at date nights
c) teaching her damn bird how to go potty in the trash can

The first thing she did when she saw her husband again was ask how the bird was!

Yeah, work, romance, taking care of pets...those things are all important, but when you marry a father with full custody, you're a mother. And when you're a mother, you're a mother first. Even if you're only in your 20s. Papa Martinez is absolutely not without blame though. He already had a child when he married Mama, and it was his job first to not allow someone into his child's life who refused to prioritize the kid over everything else. And what's worse, he even allowed himself to be brainwashed the same way, that the damn bird is far more sensitive and needed much more attention than his own son.
Meanwhile, the 10 year old kid is eating whatever he can find from a can. Oh, but they explain it's only "Monday - Thursday"! That's 4 nights a week! He's ten years old.

And when the son was asked what changed after the swap? "We got to do jujitsu again."

Gag me.