A Tale of Two AWFUL Movies Filmed in my Favorite City: Part I

I went to school in New Orleans, and I loved every minute of it. OK well I have my fair share of problems with Tulane, but New Orleans itself is incredible, anyway, I digress...
The food, the parties, the weather (when it's not natural disaster-ing anyway)... I love New Orleans- it's the greatest city in the country! That's why I take it as a personal offense when assholes come to film shit movies in my beloved city. I'm going back for a visit this weekend, so I felt inspired to take this time to discuss some of the tremendous acts of cinema which have been filmed there.

Just my luck- unique plot for Lindsey- some magic happens and she switches with another person
Also table dancing.

Failure to Launch

A couple updates...

I just found some new information regarding two of my previous posts:

1. Apparently Adam Martinez is actually semi-famous, as sad as that is... He's a UFC referee, or was at the time of the show. There's a lot of stuff on some UFC forums making fun of him, especially how scrawny he is. Sadly there seems to be only praise re: his wife, who is moderately hot despite how unbelievably crazy she is.
   Unfair.
   
   
2. MTV is now showing daily episodes of Degrassi (no worries, there will be more Degrassi coverage this fall) as well as the movie.
   Really?
   Yeah, everyone knows they gave up on their namesake years ago, but at least it was still original crap. Now they're just using whatever they find in the box of tapes in the Viacom studios?
   Where's the 16 and Pregnant? What about the My Super Sweet 16? Don't they realize that the only people who watch Degrassi are either well under their obvious target demographic of 16 year old girls, or just have a medical condition that prevents them from diverting their eyes?
   They shouldn't be trying to capitalize on my handicap.
   I think there's a lawsuit in there somewhere...
   

Drop Dead Diva- another gem from Lifetime

Since Degrassi is between seasons, I've been satisfying my inner masochist with this quality new show on Lifetime.

Drop Dead Diva is about a completely shallow 20-something model who is killed while putting on makeup in the car, and upon her death finds out that she has committed absolutely no good OR bad deeds. Now don't ask me how that is even possible, since she's, you know, done stuff, and had relationships with people... Anyway, she messes with their computers (naturally) and accidentally sends herself into "a recently vacated vessel"- the body of a fat lawyer who was basically a saint and died while trying to talk someone down from a hostage situation.
So in summary, the woman who was super nice and did lots of pro bono work and good deeds died, while the shallow woman who had never done a SINGLE good deed got to keep living. A great message for all, I'm sure.
Now I know some people will say "But the other woman got to go to heaven sooner! That's what we all want!" But at the very least, consider that all her loved ones lost her that day- she was replaced with a personality that wasn't even remotely the same- but none of them were given the opportunity to grieve. They never got a chance to say goodbye, because they never even realized she died. Clearly she could never tell any of them the truth, because there's no way to convince the lawyer's friends that she didn't just go crazy from getting shot.

On the other hand, she has lots of information about the model's life- things that no one else could know about, things that she could use to convince her own friends that she really is the model. Just bigger and smarter.

And when it comes down to it, that's what the show is actually about. The model's boyfriend was fixin' to propose before she died. Now she wants to tell him the truth, but she's afraid she's too fat for him to love her anymore.
In all honesty, she's probably right. After all, he wasn't dating the model for her smarts, and we've already determined she wasn't a good person. (In fact she probably didn't have much of a personality to speak of at all.)

So what the whole show really revolves around is her wanting to tell her boyfriend that she's still alive, because once she does it, they have nowhere to go.
This also means that in all of their previews, they show her telling him, in one way or another, and also - as it turns out - that she never actually does it in the show. They show her saying the words once - she's talking into a mirror. The next time - she was just imagining what it would be like.

LOL how clever!

Oh did I mention that aforementioned boyfriend just got a job in the very same law office where Lawyer works?

So meanwhile, Boyfriend has been getting friendly with the only "thin" female lawyer in the office. I'll call her "Ho" for convenience. In the most recent episode, immediately before she imagines telling Boyfriend the truth, he tells her that since her death, he's been seeing Model in other women, especially Ho. She inexplicably doesn't tell him right then, even though she fully intended to, and still planned on telling him in the near future - it didn't seem like an issue of courage.
Of course when she goes to confess it all later, Boyfriend and Ho are making out in his office.

Class-y

And yet, I am unable to stop watching.

I should probably see a doctor. Maybe there's some medication I can take.

My Fake Fiance, continued

Ugh...the things I do for you. I am so selfless. I've written an entire summary, so you don't even have to watch this fantastic specimen of cinema in order to get that warm fuzzy feeling. You can just read the post and get straight to that box of Franzia in the fridge to drown your sorrows that your husband only has the normal number of abs. Or maybe that's just me, but more on that later

Let's start with some good news. Joey's into some bad guys for a lot of money. Gambling debt. The best kind of debt to marry into! Amirite? And at dinner with her parents, when asked about his childhood, he instead gives details from The Facts of Life, down to every last Tootie. And quotes the theme song.
What a winner!

And MJH is just as bad, fulfilling every last offensive female stereotype once her parents offer to pay for the wedding. Although they had intended to fake the planning and then elope in the end, once her parents offer up a wad of cash, it's time to rent hundreds of expensive chair covers and buy tenderloin and lobster for everyone!
Hooray!

OOH and here's the twist. When he gets kissed by another hot girl, he doesn't go for her! Meanwhile, MJH is trying on bridal gowns and gushing about how "he has ab muscles [she] didn't know existed"! OMG now they're in love!

Then we've got the obligatory scene where he plays with his future niece and nephew and shows how great a guy he is because he gets along with kids so well.
And they use the exact same routine where she shows how good she is with her nephew to show how she's such a great catch?!

What the hell??

They used the SAME cliche device TWICE! They didn't even bother using different kids!

It's so unbelievably unoriginal that I wasn't even expecting it!

At the rehearsal dinner, she finally decides she can't go through with it, but he talks her into it. Then right before walking down the aisle, she decides she can't go through with it, but her dad talks her into it.

I can admit when I'm wrong.
I expected them to call it off for a lot longer than they did.
I take back everything I said about this movie being predictable.

But we're finally to the super-romantic part. When it comes time for exchanging vows, he casts aside the piece of paper she gave him, instead giving an impromptu speech about how he's fallen in love with her. FO REALZ. He gets down on one knee with a ring, proposing to her on the altar. AWWW They spend 20 seconds being engaged, then finish up their vows.

Funny asides:

1) During the ceremony, the reverend makes a trite joke about people getting married for the wrong reasons. "Some just do it for the gifts." Haha, so funny, uncomfortable laughter.

2) While she is visiting her sister in the hospital after a car wreck, MJH pours her heart out to the first person she sees all bandaged up. But....Whaaaa? You mean that person is NOT her sister, and if she had just looked to the left when she walked in, she would've seen her entire family sitting around the other bed in the room? That's so original and UNpredictable!
It's actually quite deliciously ironic since early in the movie, Joey calls one of the goons who wants to break his legs "cliche."

3) The kids are not going to college because MJH's parents are spending their college funds on the fake wedding. LOL. Maybe since the kids are only like 9 years old, their parents could set up new college funds for their own children? Or maybe the kids could take out loans and work their way through school like 90% of Americans do?
Nope.
In the world of ABC Family, people do not go to college unless their grandparents have 100% of it paid for before they're into their tweens.

I love all the twists and turns, and things that are totally out of place. Her sister is in a wreck and goes to the hospital? Why? What does that bring to the story?

There is one really great thing about this movie though. Joey Lawrence is looking FANTASTIC now that he's keeping his hair short. That long-haired Blossom grunge look was so 90s.

I'd sure like to find some new abs that I didn't know existed...

My Fake Fiance: the first of many posts brought to you by ABC Family

ABC Family, the home of such hits as Bring It On, Bring It On: All or Nothing, Bring It On Again, Bring It On: In It to Win It, and now the TV adaptation of 10 Things I Hate About You, which was in turn an adaptation of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew"....But I can get to those at a later date.

Hot on the heels of this incredible story, I've come across what god I only hope was a made-for-TV movie, starring Melissa Joan Hart (oh, Clarissa, why??) and Joey Lawrence (Whoa!) as the pair who come together at a wedding, and even though they hate each other, decide that it's a really great idea to get married just to split the gifts!

Now, I haven't watched it yet, but I'm gonna make a prediction as to what happens.

**fingertips to my forehead**

They fall in love.*

That'll be $20.

I'll report more on this disaster once I've finished up and have some more material.

* Specifically, they fall in love, then one or both decide to call off the wedding, then they confess that they love each other, then they end up going through with the wedding for real.

Wife Swap: Figaratto/Martinez

Thank god for the travesty that is Lifetime.

I was worried at first that they wouldn't give me any material for today. The first Wife Swap on today's lineup was an episode where one family believed they were living in medieval times, and the other believed that "all children should have to go to public school." It was worrisome because although that's clearly meeting their insanity quotient for the day, it's really not trainwrecky enough to make for a full post.

But I should have had faith.

Meet the Figaratto and Martinez families.
The Figaratto's are obsessed with karaoke. No really. I know lots of people who enjoy karaoke, and I loved having roommates who owned Rock Band and singing with them several nights a week. But I did other stuff. And it certainly never got to the point of "Well dinner's over- it's time for karaoke. Again!" And additionally, when we did the same songs over and over, it was because we had to in order to reach the next level- and it was really freaking annoying. But they didn't have that restraint; they had tons of CDs and had already spent thousands of dollars on equipment. These people were singing "La Bamba" and "Bye Bye Love" on loop and they had been for over a decade. And they were doing it completely voluntarily.

And by comparison, they were the sane ones.
That's right.

I'll start with the best part. I'm pretty sure that at one point Papa Martinez claimed that his kid spending time with Step-Mama's prized cockatoo is the same as having quality time with his parents.
/wtf

Not only was Mama Martinez a total wet blanket when it came to karaoke, but she was a freaking basket case when it came to her bird. And worst of all, she married a man with a kid, but clearly believed that since she was still so young, that his kid wasn't any of her responsibility.
Her responsibilities are limited to:
a) practicing her kickboxing at the dojo the family owns
b) romancing her husband at date nights
c) teaching her damn bird how to go potty in the trash can

The first thing she did when she saw her husband again was ask how the bird was!

Yeah, work, romance, taking care of pets...those things are all important, but when you marry a father with full custody, you're a mother. And when you're a mother, you're a mother first. Even if you're only in your 20s. Papa Martinez is absolutely not without blame though. He already had a child when he married Mama, and it was his job first to not allow someone into his child's life who refused to prioritize the kid over everything else. And what's worse, he even allowed himself to be brainwashed the same way, that the damn bird is far more sensitive and needed much more attention than his own son.
Meanwhile, the 10 year old kid is eating whatever he can find from a can. Oh, but they explain it's only "Monday - Thursday"! That's 4 nights a week! He's ten years old.

And when the son was asked what changed after the swap? "We got to do jujitsu again."

Gag me.

Introduction

My name is Lauren, and I'm a television junkie.

Wow. That was hard to say.

I'm unemployed and job hunting in the worst economic climate of my life, so for now I spend most of my days sitting on the couch, with both my laptop and the TV running nonstop. I recently did the math and it occurred to me that I could spend 8 hours a day, or a full-time job's worth of TV watching, and still have time for 8 hours of sleep, an hour of grooming, 2 hours of cooking, and 2 hours of cleaning, and I would have 3 hours left over for incidentals. Yet none of that other stuff was even getting done. I was spending all that extra time just watching television...

And I realized something...

There's a LOT of bad stuff on TV.

You know what I mean? That's the stuff that's addicting! It's the crappy shows that are making me waste all this time! All the good shows I watch and appreciate and that's it- but the bad stuff never stops.

Lifetime really gives me a lot of material. Just today, for example, I saw 3 episodes of Wife Swap and the new episode of Drop Dead Diva.
And then there's The N- or soon to be the new Teen Nick, apparently. Last night I watched the Degrassi movie: Degrassi Goes Hollywood. That's 2 hours I'll never get back. I mean, I've been watching the train wreck that is Degrassi: The Next Generation for five years now (That can't be right, can it??) and I still couldn't anticipate the crumminess of the feature length movie. It was bad in all the same ways as the series, and more! The characters were all acting....ahem...out of character, and when Studz, Degrassi's current AWESOME band went on the road to Hollywood, they just left their drummer behind without even mentioning it. Oh but luckily, the guy driving the bus apparently is a drummer now! That's perfect! Oh and he's the best friend of the real drummer and doesn't even know the other guys that are in the band, so naturally it makes sense that he's driving them to California from Toronto in the first place, right?
It's like that scene in Beerfest when Landfill's identical twin brother shows up after Landfill's funeral and states that he's already heard about all the guys from his brother, so they won't have that awkward getting-to-know-you stage, and by the way, can they just call him "Landfill" as a tribute to his brother? Except that was intentional and hilarious. In Degrassi Goes Hollywood, it was accidental and pathetic. And hilarious. Though slightly less pathetic and hilarious than when the band was performing in a bar, and the singer, Manny, goes from being shy and just speaking the words to singing like crazy with a voice that sounds suspiciously computerized. This was made much more hilarious by a later scene where the big Hollywood director is talking about a girl who can't sing, saying they can just airbrush it to perfection, but they contrast that with Manny's beautiful voice. I guess it's lucky that she had that auto-tune implant built into her throat!

And it's lucky for me that there are so many bad show on the TV. I'll run out of space on the internet long before I run out of material.

Thanks Manny!

For the masochist among you, the-n.com has the movie available for a little while: Degrassi Goes Hollywood